Anakin sighed again, deciding that a break would surely be in order soon. He flipped idly through a few more of the chips, casually reading the names of each one to himself.

"The Roris Becker Trial. The Kensing Affair. The Jinn/Kenobi Files...what?"

Anakin pulled that datachip out of the stack so quickly that the other chips fell back into a clattering heap, disturbing the agelong hush of the library.

The Jinn/Kenobi Files. The Jinn/Kenobi Files. The words spun themselves through his mind, twisting, fascinating beyond any power to forget.

Dropping any thoughts of trade intrigue, important datachips, exhaustion or hunger, he made his way over to an empty desk with a datapad lying on it, keyed in a logon name and password, placed the datachip in its slot and waited for the contents to load.

At last he would know! Know why he had never seen Master Jinn or Obi-Wan Kenobi again after they returned from Naboo. Know why no one would speak of them, ever, even at his direct questioning. Know why there had been unshed tears in Obi-Wan's eyes and a definite tremor in Qui-Gon's voice the last time he'd seen them, on the transport back to Coruscant, and why Qui-Gon had said so gently, "Anakin, you will be trained. It has been promised--but I will not be allowed to do it. Obey your future master."

At last all these questions, possibly, would be answered.

The datapad beeped a "data loaded" message, and Anakin skimmed the contents. Three folders, one saying simply, "Obi-Wan," one "Qui-Gon," and one, more formal, labeled, "Account of the Trial and Sentence of Master Jinn for High Crimes Against His Padawan."

Anakin gasped out loud. High crimes against his padawan--! What crimes? Master Jinn would NEVER! He never would do THAT!

Something of calming energy came to him as he closed his eyes in utter shock. He reached for it and recovered himself, slowing quickened heartbeats back to normal rhythm.

He opened his eyes and decisively touched the folder labeled "Qui-Gon."

"At least I'll hear his side of the story first," he said, and opened the folder.

Anakin chose the first of several documents.

Inside there was a short editorial note that read:

"This is not the first entry in Qui-Gon's diary, but it is the first that has any bearing on his trial. His previous entries have been erased." ED

Anakin frowned at that, but began reading.

On Transport Back To Naboo

"I finally know what it means to love. The poets of all except the Jedi call it eternal desire that will never go stale, or the sweetest flower on the plant. I call it Obi-Wan.

The streaks of light through this spacecraft's windows are stars. They have worlds spinning around them, moons, planets, asteroids, and comets flying in a cosmic dance. I feel like I'm caught up in a cosmic dance too, on a level higher than mere matter. I sit here, alone while everyone sleeps, feeling an unfamiliar rush of heady joy, waiting.

I can't go back to our room and sleep. I couldn't sleep with Obi-Wan in the same room without crushing him to me, kissing those sweet lips in an agony of desire.

For the first time in a long time, I have no idea what exactly our mission entails. Though I'm afraid that whatever the Queen is planning will make my risk-taking on Tatooine seem like a walk in the park.

The stars look like streaks of light. The thought occurs to me that we are also but streaks of light flying through the blackness outside.

Sometimes a star loses the war of all matter and falls into a black hole. Eventually, they tell us, all matter will end up in black holes, that the very fabric of the universe will be reduced to elementary particles. I have trouble believing that. It sounds too dark.

But life is not all sweetness and light. I realized that for the thousandth time, when we stood together in a Naboo cockpit, just a little back from where I sit now, and saw the battleships firing at us.

I was overcome by the urge to touch my padawan and only caught myself by staring hard at the ships ahead, as though I could deflect their shots by my will alone. Perhaps I could have, perhaps I did. I'll never know for sure.

The hours have fallen away as I sat here, more thinking than writing. The lights will come up soon and even though I've not slept, I feel refreshed.

So now back to show business; back to throwing the Wise Jedi Look over my face; back to being the perfect Master, the perfect advisor, the perfect everything.

It's all an act. Sometimes I wish I could just toss it aside and be me, Qui-Gon, not who they all expect me to be.

Obi-Wan, however, would be the only one I could take my mask off in front of who would not immediately go into supreme shock. He knows about the mask--wears one himself.

My beloved...I wish I could tell you how loved you are. I wish that we could be different, not Jedi, just two human beings who could live and love each other. May I find the courage tell you before it's too late.

What is this pressing urgency I feel, this knowledge that something is-or could be-terribly wrong?

Control. Patience. Evil will reveal itself. I must be ready to fight."

Anakin drew in his breath sharply. It was true then--Qui-Gon Jinn had indeed committed high crimes.

Or at least considered it here on these pages. Had fallen in love with his padawan--wickedness!

And what had Obi-Wan thought? Anakin switched back to the other folder and began to read Obi-Wan's diary.

Anakin opened the first document, finding the same editorial note on top, and began reading.

On Transport Back to Naboo

"I can't sleep.

It's useless to even try, I can't do it. I know what I was told, "Sleep, Padawan. Tomorrow won't be easy...."

Yeah, just before he leaves our room.

Why? Why is he being so strange? It's not the boy. Though he started being strange just after our Council interview.

Does he feel a disturbance of some kind? I do.

Several, in fact.

Threat on Coruscant, threat from Naboo, threat from the boy, danger everywhere...

No. I won't go into it. Definite Dark Side stuff.

Besides the fact of what I feel.

Now that's dangerous.

I love him.

I love Qui-Gon.

Never thought I'd say that...of anyone.

Ever.

We aren't supposed to...love.

We're Jedi.

They're mutually exclusive terms.

I heard of a case where two Knights 'fell in love' with each other. They were executed!

Without mercy.

We're all about peace and serenity, not...love.

Not ever-increasing desire for someone, not about wanting to be with someone forever and ever. Not about anything but being the guardians of justice in the galaxy.

There was a tragedy in the Jedi Order about a thousand years ago...had nothing to with the Sith, who were beaten for the last time (Force, you 'll never know how much I pray Qui-Gon's wrong for once) about then.

Before that, bondings among Jedi were allowed, if not encouraged.

But then, a Master forced his Padawan to have a relationship with him. The boy was totally opposed to it, as well as being...too young in any case.

The Padawan was horribly abused for years. He failed his Trials, and discussing his failure with the Council, told them what his Master had done to him. They were more than horrified.

They had the offending Master executed and sent the Padawan into extensive counseling. He was never able to be a full Jedi Knight, but instead became a farmer, incidentally beginning the Argi-Corps part of the Jedi Order.

So after that, it became custom among the Jedi to not seek sexual relationships in their friends, but to go to others. No love was allowed any longer in the Jedi Order, no bonds between them other than the bond of Master and Padawan.

So we scatter the worlds with our seed, and find no joy in the doing.

And a year later, they bring the children to the creche.

The finding of potential Jedi is anything but random. That is why we were so surprised to find little Anakin on Tatooine.

No Jedi have been to Tatooine for years. If ever.

I've been brought up by these rules, and yet I feel something is not right. Jedi are not bonded as closely, we do not work as well together, we are supposed to be a symbiont circle and we feel like random threads hanging.

The stories tell us of amazing things the Jedi of old did. Shifted planets in their courses, destroyed massive works of evil, raised children from the dead.

That doesn't happen now.

Maybe the Force, in some small way, is not enough. Maybe we need love too.

True love, not selfish desire. Love that rights wrongs, fixes even the horrible events of a thousand years ago.

I feel it.

But does he? Or is it the Will of the Force?

I don't know.

But I do know this.

The bond we have is wonderful, and I won't let my forbidden feelings get in the way. Not now, not ever.

So we can call that subject closed. Tightly shielded, and buried in the depths only of this journal.

I can do this. I must!"

Anakin sighed softly. This sweetness was wrong, this wonder, this desperate attempt to conceal and reveal. Why? Who had said so?

It had been taught to him, ever since he had entered the Jedi Temple and been meet by a pale man with long dark hair and a warm smile, who had told him that he would be master to him.

Who had given him a padawan haircut, ice blue eyes far away, lost in perhaps memory. Who had raised him and taught him and cherished him and cut the braid when he passed the Trials.

Xanatos of Telos, who had taught him carefully that love between master and padawan was wrong. Whose own master had been Qui-Gon Jinn--who had fallen in love with his padawan!

Had Xanatos taught him things he himself did not believe?

Anakin buried his face in his hands and waited for a calming breath.

Anakin switched back to Qui-Gon's diary and read the second entry, wanting to condone but afraid to.

Before the Battle of Naboo

I am a mass of conflicting emotions. Cold and hot by turns. My heart and mind reel, warring with one another.

This is something I cannot resist much longer.

Obi-Wan came to apologize to me this morning--apologize to me! I should have been the one asking forgiveness from him--I'm not sure exactly what happened in the Council chamber, I was so in the flow of the Living Force, but I get the distinct feeling that I said something that he was distressed at. Probably something to do with training Anakin.

I should have said I was sorry, should have reassured him that he would be my padawan as long as he needed to be.

But saying that was too dangerous, I might have let slip other things--that I wanted him in my life forever, for instance.

I came close enough to losing control anyway.

After he said that "it was not his place to disagree about Anakin," I wanted to take him in my arms and kiss the thought away from his mouth. I wanted to cry out, "Obi-Wan, you're more than padawan to me, you're friend, partner, and....love. You can have your own opinions!"

Instead all I could do was say that he would one day be a great Jedi knight. And lay my hand on his shoulder--that was a mistake. To feel his warmth under my hand, his breath ghost against my arm...I was lost, so lost.

And I have never felt anything more wonderful.

I drew my hand back, tracing his jawline lightly with my fingertips. The touch of his skin burned into me, so soft, so sweet...

I swear I heard him hiss quietly under his breath as our mind-shields began to fall unconsciously. And for a moment we were both ready to damn all the consequences and be with each other in every way, to know each other inside and out.

In a way, it was too frightening.

Calling on every ounce of Jedi control, I yanked my mind out of his, feeling him pull away also, realizing the same thing I did.

We love each other.

And we came so close, so close, to just giving in to it.

Control. I must hold on.

I spent hours last night indulging this insanity, this blessed evil. I should have more sense than to think the same way in the morning."

Anakin bit his lip sharply to keep from crying out something very against the Code. This could not be wrong...it could not be...not Qui-Gon Jinn, not Obi-Wan Kenobi. What they felt could not be evil.

He raised a hand to his face, half surprised to find tears on his cheeks. Such tenderness! How they pulled away and danced back together...how they resisted to find it futile.

He switched back to Obi-Wan's diary, eager to find out just what Obi-Wan had thought of this new development.

Anakin closed his eyes briefly as the contents loaded and, as the datapad beeped, sighed quietly.

Before the Battle of Naboo

We can't. No. Never. Oh Force help me. No love allowed for the Jedi. Especially not between master and padawan.

Yet I can scarcely keep myself from whispering into his mind, ever so softly:

"I want your body/I want your soul/I want you in me/I want your all."

[Anakin gasped a shocked response to this--such rawness!]

Master, we can't hold out much longer. It's just as well that I should take my trials as soon as possible. Right now, maybe?

Anything to keep some distance between us

--before we go too far--
--oh master I love you but it's so unbelievably forbidden--

anything to break the ties between us

--oh master this is too much, we can't go against the code--

I need to put the distance of a few universes between my body and yours to keep me away from you so I don't yield to the inevitability of it all and throw myself into your welcoming arms.

You won't be able to resist--not when the Living Force itself is calling so loudly for our bodies to meet ecstatically.

It's wrong, no matter what the Force says. So I have been told. And what do I follow, the Code or my heart?

What do I follow?

Where do I go?

How do I live without you, my master?

I see no answer to these questions...I am caught between two damning decisions:

Deny, crush my heart,

or

Defy, and break it.

May the Force be not with me. May the Code be with me, because otherwise, I will die."

Anakin stood up, setting the datapad to screensaver mode, and walked away to the fountain in the middle of the library. He had understood what he had read, but could not believe it. Such a dilemma! At what cost! The Living Force itself commanding their bodies to meet in love, and they resisting! To follow the Code!

As someone whose strength was indeed the Living Force, he could imagine very well what it must have been like...bodies literally pulling like magnets together, knowing that they would receive welcome in the other's arms and yet staying away.

Anakin sat on the wall next to the fountain and watched it play, water dancing freely. This last entry had been too emotionally intense, too extreme for a Jedi-trained mind. Perhaps even some of the emotions felt had been left in that file, a pale aura of love and denial.

Some time of rest was needed, for he had a feeling that it would only get more intense.

After a few minutes of staring at the splashing water, Anakin got back up and returned to the desk. Sitting down, he returned to Qui-Gon's folder and opened the third entry.

After the Battle of Naboo

"I have been over worlds, through galaxies, crossed deserts and snow plains, nearly died more times than I would like to count, been captured and rescued, been chastised and scolded, lauded and praised--and nothing has ever felt like this!

I have kissed Obi-Wan Kenobi, the love of all lifetimes, just once, and all I have ever done pales in comparison to that few minutes.

And I know that I will be punished for this; I may even die for it. They already know. I am certain.

But I would rather die, having kissed Obi-Wan just once, than live for many years yet and never kiss him.

I'm still not sure how it all happened; I was fighting the dark-robed creature and suddenly he was there and the Sith was gone and we were in each other's arms.

Then he kissed me. We kissed each other. Shields fell and I was him for a moment and he was me, and the universe could not have been brighter.

It may be the only chance I will ever have, but for the first time in my life, I feel truly alive."

Anakin, this time, did not gasp in horror. This was sweet and wonderful. Even if it was wrong.

He switched back quickly to Obi-Wan's diary section, wondering just what had made Obi-Wan kiss his master, after all his former talk of following the Code.

After the Battle of Naboo

"Part of me can't believe I ever denied myself this utter pulsing joy I feel now. The other half is in a state of complete shock.

And even though I knew it already, it still came as a surprise--Qui-Gon Jinn loves me and I love him.

I've stopped trying to fight it. The Force wills it--and a brand new world has opened up to me; the stars spin under the sky and I am so happy, so happy.

We have, together, defeated great evil. We have killed the twisted, Darkened thing that attacked my master on Tatooine.

I'm not certain of the particulars of our battle with the creature; I know only that Qui-Gon was on the other side of a red laser wall, fighting the Sith, and I realized that I could not just stand there--I had to do something.

So I experimentally tested the wall with a lit saber, and discovered that my lightsaber would indeed go thorough the rays. I also noticed that my saber blocked the rays from continuing -- since one bank of lasers sent and the other received, I could get through the wall if I held my saber so that it blocked as much of the ray as possible.

As my master fought the Sith across the room, I crept carefully between the beams above and below me. This is much harder than it sounds, trust me! Dangerous as it was, I escaped, but not without a burn to my left arm as I reached to recover my saber. Almost blinded by sudden pain, I seized my saber and stumbled across the floor.

They, especially the Sith, were not expecting me. All it took was one swift slash to sever the Sith almost in half. He fell into the melting pit and Qui-Gon and I, literally, fell into each other's arms, just like all the norms' romance books dictated.

"You're burned, Obi-Wan," was the first thing he said to me.

There were a thousand answers to that, but the Living Force was pounding through my blood and he was so very close. I answered only:

"Yes, I think I am, but anything for you, Master." Then I leaned up and kissed him.

When our lips met, it was as though I'd been living as a shadow of myself and had suddenly exploded into stark reality. The universe, consequences included, fell away into nothingness, and I tightened my arms around him, deepening the kiss, tasting salt and sweetness in his mouth. And he kissed back, body pressed to mine, our minds meeting as we had not allowed them to do a day earlier.

I would have had this kiss, more powerful than the most intimate contact with another, go on forever--would have loved to die with our lips locked together, but we were only flesh and blood. Mere clay cannot kiss forever.

So we moved away from each other, hands lingering on waists and hips.

"I love you, Qui-Gon," I whispered. He covered my hand with his, tenderly.

"As do I love you, Obi-Wan," he said.

And that was all. We walked together out of Theed's underground core to find the battle over and the viceroy captured, young Anakin having piloted a ship on his own to destroy the droid control ship.

We helped reinstate Queen Amidala in her palace. And right now, my master is making a report to the Council. Will they know; will they somehow be able to tell that we kissed?

I close my eyes and wonder how long we can hide anything this powerful."

Anakin shook his head; he already knew the answer to that question. Not very long. The Council had many spies and many ways of finding things out very quickly indeed, if they wanted to. And it was possible that in this case, they had wanted to. Qui-Gon had had a remnant of a training bond with Master Yoda, it would have been all too easy for Yoda to pry and see exactly what was going on.

Anakin quickly turned back to Qui-Gon's diary. This was absorbing beyond measure, a bittersweet tale that he could not wait to find the conclusion to.

On Transport Back to Coruscant

"Earlier today I felt like I was standing on the top of a beautiful mountain. Grass and trees, the Living Force, and my Obi-Wan, waited for me. And then the Council contacted me--and someone pushed me out of paradise, hurtling screaming into endless dark depths.

They call this that I have done with my Obi-Wan perversion, they call me Darkened, they say I will be tried for crimes against my padawan as soon as we reach Coruscant--all this for a single kiss, all this for falling in love.

Unwittingly, we boarded the transport back to the Temple early this morning, certain that Queen Amidala was more than equipped to repair her homeland. Except for my brush with death, it had been one of our easier missions.

And we had Anakin with us. He could take classes among the initiates for a couple of years. That would be well enough time to get him caught up, while I finished Obi-Wan's training. I would not have rushed that for the worlds.

And now, we are here, speeding toward our destiny, knowing punishment and maybe death awaits me when I leave this ship. I would have it so. I will not tell the pilot to go somewhere else. I will face them with every thought in my heart laid bare, and then, maybe, they will see that this is no evil.

I don't think either Obi-Wan or I had ever considered that a kiss could change our relationship. While, as I know now, we have been deeply in love with each other for years, we also knew it to be a hopeless love and therefore never dreamed of a touch, or a kiss, or even a meaningful look passing between us. And as wonderful as that kiss was, as different from any other as night is from day, I have hardly dared to consider going farther with him. The norms call sex "love-making," and I have always been hard-pressed to understand why.

Isn't it just sex, love or not? Just bodies rubbing together in the night?

And so we are hesitant. We don't want to discover that, deep down, we are still only mortals biologically programmed to seek sexual release.

We consider ourselves the holy vessels of the Force, Obi-Wan and I, and have always hated the customary giving of the fairest women of the planets we've saved, to bear Jedi children. Though we were born of these quick unions between Jedi savior and beautiful norm woman, or, in Obi-Wan's case, female Jedi knight and good-looking norm man, we both feel that there must be a better way.

But to sleep with Obi-Wan! Would it be like the Living and Unifying Force twining in glowing ribbons around the worlds, or would it be like two animals rutting in heat? Or would it, possibly, be like both?

At last, now, I can see Coruscant through the viewport--we've just come out of hyperspace. And I will face the Council with all I have to give. This is not wrong. This is blessed and wonderful. Obi-Wan is my love, my soulmate! Like rivers flowing together, we are two halves of one glorious whole--and this is right."

Anakin sighed softly at this.

"Even were it wrong, I would die to feel this way," he whispered.

Anakin quickly switched back to Obi-Wan's folder and opened the last icon in the folder, the last diary entry of Obi-Wan.

On Transport Back To Coruscant

"Whatever it takes, I'll be with him. I will not leave his side for anything, not even if he tells me to. When I gave him my lips, I gave him my heart as well, and as he received my kiss, so he received me, come weal or woe, death or life, forever.

I do not care if we never touch or kiss again. I only want to stay beside him, to be his as he is mine.

When a planet spins around a star in the customary cosmic dance, is that said to be unnatural and wrong? No, never, it is just and right, the way the Force made it to be. Why then when I, Obi-Wan the planet, wish to spin forever about Qui-Gon the star, is that called perversion?

I do not care what the Council says of him. I know the truth and I know him.

I know him like I know my lightsaber. As the crystal is the center of my 'saber, the heart of it, so is he my center and heart.

And how can I refuse the other half of my soul?"

Anakin sighed and closed the diary folder. Now all that was left was to read the formal account of Master Jinn's trial and an as yet unknown sentence. What had happened to them--had they been exiled, or cast out from the Jedi? Or worse?

Go On To Part 2