*****

I chose, all those years ago.

Celibacy.

It seemed like a curse to those with less control, who cannot stand their own desires. My desire was of a different sort, the urge for love with a spiritual being, a man made of light, far more powerful than a quick tumble beneath the sheets.

I glanced up at the night sky on a remote planet. You are with me.

I stared into the crowds of Coruscant with a smile. You are with me.

My heart burns in these desert wastes. You are with me.

The air is filled with you, the sand I walk on is you. You bear me up when I am too exhausted to move. You hold me when cold memories rack my body. You are the water I drink, the breath that floods my lungs.

I took the vow in a silent moment, made only to my heart, not witnessed by any other being, even though everyone would discover it soon. Not a pledge of marriage, not a pledge to a dead master, but a promise to myself.

"I vow to never touch another being with sexual desire, while I am still in this body."

And I never have. Somehow, strange as this sounds...it's not that I did not want to...but I wanted this purity more. This aching fire that burns me through is far more my companion than any woman or man could have ever been.

A young man's dream of love led to only loneliness, some would say. But I did not vow only for you. You are not the only reason I chose this path. Even had you lived...I wonder...if you had loved me? Silly dreams.

I know quite well that my fancy of the night, that you are with me, is a mere hope. My imagination runs away with me, they would say. Crazy old hermit in the desert sand, the night air has waged war against his brain.

But it is a dream that I enjoy, that brings light to my soulless existence. Sometimes I even talk to you, Master. And yes, I know what they say about those who talk to people who aren't there.

But it's my mind, and no one around to hear.

I plan all the things we might have done. The love we might have made. The souls we might have saved. And then I watch as my universe snaps back into place, cold with the burden of a Sith-turned padawan.

Oddly enough, there is a pleasure in the burst of realization. Knowing that the dreams I built up were just day fancies is not pleasant, but it is good to know that I still can dream, that the horrors I have seen have not robbed me fully.

The silence of the night desert, only broken by a sudden call from an animal now and then, washes over me. I clasp my hands together, the unutterable beauty of the ever-constant stars sweeping me into another dream.

Your fingers over mine, a memory this time. Hands so big, fitting perfectly over mine as they were then, helping me adjust my stance properly. I've now forgotten the partner sartik I danced with you in that training gym so long ago. There is no one here who can dance that dance.

My hands come apart in a move reminding me of the first sartik's eighth move, one of the few I may still remember. It's been so long since I've tried it, though, my serenity is now probably less than the average Initiate's was while learning the First.

If I am the last of the Jedi...I shake my head. What shall become of our people, our way of life? I am no fit representative, but I am all there is.

Enough of this. I picture your hands again, your hand over mine in a far different place and time. As you lay dying, Master, as you gasped out those last words instructing me to train the boy -- a charge I never thought to dare refuse, could you see in my eyes that I loved you desperately? In spite of the hot words we had exchanged and my chilly mockery of an apology, my love lay unspoken, blazing there.

Oh, yes. If I had the self-control not to burden you with a clinging confession of love at your death, I surely have the control not to touch anyone in love ever again, until you and I are together in the Force.

If you should want me then.

I've no ideas about my looks. I was called Oafy-Wan too many times in my younger years to ever feel that I was beautiful. And now...thank the Force there are no mirrors here. My own touch tells me enough. I have grown old.

Oh Force. Choked memories in a sea of pain, lost years that I would do anything to have again, to start over and do better this time. I am old, old and bitter, my life wasted on a hopeless breath, on a man who failed the galaxy.

All I have is my dreams. The night visions of your arms embracing me -- oh, Qui-Gon, Qui-Gon! How I would have loved you with all my being, eternity in our embrace, hope in our love.

I shake my head. You have died, and I have vowed, and now I am here, alone in the desert on the edge of the universe, where the only hope I can ever have dances through a young life, caught in a ecstasy of yearning for something beyond the suns.

Are you with me?

And I smile as the beauty of your memory eases all the agony. I love you. I will see you soon.