Holding Hands
by Amy FortunaI remember it as though it were yesterday. Some crazy notion went through your head, and it changed us forever. Who would have imagined that something as silly and simple as a trip to the Cascade Zoo to see Christmas decorations would turn us upside down?
You'd wanted to go -- you made yourself postively annoying with your pleas. And you didn't want to go alone, no sirree, what fun is the zoo at night without someone to share it with?
So I went with you, under protest. We walked in, just to look at the fancy lights they put up for Christmas, and maybe see what the lions did at night. There was a crowd there, little kids running all over. We had to watch not to trip over them in the semi-darkness.
And I took your hand. Oh, at first it was just a bit of sweet revenge for dragging me along. Since you were annoying me, Blair, I figured you could put up with a bit of annoyance yourself.
But you didn't let go, just flashed a smile at me, and dare I say moved closer? No one could see our entwined hands in the shadows, and if they did, they were polite enough not to let us catch them staring. They probably thought you were a girl anyway, Blair.
We pointed out the pretty lights to each other, everything from a star shining on the hilltop above the zoo to a wildly colored giraffe, to monkeys that looked as though they were swinging through the trees. The night breeze was cool, the sky was as clear as a bell, and the stars just beyond the lights shone so near it seemed like I could have reached out and plucked one from the sky.
We ignored our clasped hands almost completely, though we held onto each other in a near death grip, not letting go even when our palms started getting sweaty. Somehow the small point of contact made it seem as though we were in total harmony with one another, as though thoughts could flow back and forth between us without any effort at all.
My hand was warm in yours, and slowly the touch of your hand in mine came to seem like the only real thing in the universe, here in this dreamworld of fantasy and shadows, the voices of the children lost in the distance. I could feel every motion of your body through your hand, could sense when your heartbeat sped up, noticed every brush of your body against mine.
We laughed like the children neither of us had been in too long, inspecting the cages of nocturnal animals in hopes that one would come to visit. We smiled at each other in amusement when we both called to the lion at the same time: "Here, kitty, kitty!" As if to please us, the lion stepped forth from wherever he had been sleeping and strolled forward into the moonlight, a magnificent specimen of size and beauty. We watched him for a long time in the now-sudden quiet, far away from the voices of the children.
When the lion finally lay down, resuming his rest, we turned away, you glancing at me, silent, careful. By now it was late, and we were still holding hands -- I began to wonder if I'd have to drive home with you like this...I didn't ever want to let go.
Back at the truck at last, still holding hands, you pulled me close to you; it was easy.
"Jim," you whispered. "What does this mean?"
I shook my head, this had gone far beyond a mere joke. "I think," I started. "I think it means I love you."
Your voice was fierce and low. "Good." You took my other hand, reeled me all the way in, and kissed me, with the slow sweet passion of one who has forever to indulge in a kiss.
Shivers went through me, rippling through my belly with a low sweetness. I held on to you, and you kissed me again, even more tender this time.
When at last you released me from your embrace, I could see your eyes shining in the darkness as I knew mine must be.
"Because I love you too," you finished the sentence.
Then, and only then, you let go of my hand.
