****

"I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'til the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
I'm already there."

****

We were sparks flying in the wind, so conscious of our own mortality, yet so confident that we could save our world and ourselves. Never thought it might be at the cost of you.

I sparked off of you, driven to my best when you goaded me, your carefully picked insults slamming down on my every button, spurring me to the heights I never would have known without you.

Who sparks against me now? Now that you're a billion atoms smashing into Venus, making tiny impact craters on the surface of the Moon, or whizzing around the sun in your own orbit, starseed on the make.

We were sparks. Some fly high and shine bright and then just flash out. Some are dim, but burn steady. Some blaze and set worlds afire -- start forest fires raging through a million miles of wilderness.

I've yet to really discover the kind of spark I am. And I don't think I ever quite figured out what you were. But this I do know: we drew light from each other, made each other excel.

I still get shivery when I think of that last minute, when I'd convinced myself that I was going to die and it was okay, when I dragged up the vestiges of the three Sunday school classes I'd attended and tried to remember what the teachers had said. There was a clause for heroes, there had to be.

And just then when my only thought was to press the button and die bravely, you snatched that chance from me. My first thought was anger -- I was ready, I almost wanted to die! And then it was love, sweeping over me in great waves. You were my savior. You were, almost, at that moment, my god. And I loved you more than I'd ever loved anyone before, with a great rush of devotion.

In that moment, I made my resolution. You gave me my life: I wouldn't waste it. I'd love Grace, have children with her, live in a way that you would be proud of.

But in my heart there would always be an alternative destiny lurking, a sweetness when I thought of you, a sudden shiver stabbing through me, an awareness of your presence at certain times.

At our wedding. When I saw you, walking down the aisle beside Grace. Who had chosen to walk unescorted.

Who giveth this woman to be married to this man indeed.

When Harry Junior was born. We brought him home from the hospital, and I could have sworn I felt your presence. I looked over at Grace. She had tears in her eyes, and I knew it wasn't just me who felt you there.

And this evening. As I walk down the tree-lined street toward home, dog trotting happily beside me, Harry getting ready for his college graduation later tonight, Grace no doubt finishing her makeup, I think of you.

I love you, Harry. You gave me a life -- this life. And I hope to God you can hear this.

Clause for heroes, right?

Hope you cashed in on it.

Hope you're still grumbling about the way I do stuff, up there in heaven. Hope you're making sure the angels have their wings on straight and God's throne isn't dusty, yelling about it with your typical hard-ass fervor.

I hope you're still you. And when we meet, I hope I have the courage to do the one thing you could never make me mad enough to do: grab you and kiss you and tell you I love you.

For now, I can feel you as a whisper in the wind, and that's just all right with me.

END